NUDGING THE NENE

NUDGING THE NENEReal, proper boaters had told us of grim stories of guillotines, boats sunk by mishaps and a fabled land of solitude and quiet boating, a land of silver water, free pumpout, rare wildlife and even real geese, not those Canadian faeces machines. This was a land for men, boaters who knew what they were doing, men who could flip a wrist and raise a paddle. You had not been boating, they said, until you had nudged down the Nene. We believed it all (except the geese) and despite having a gin palace (less Jacuzzi) and being plumply middle aged, we decided to try our hand. How did we get on? Sit back, you relax, we will do the hard work.

Having completed 79 locks from Birmingham we turned from the Grand Union onto the Northampton Arm. We had hoped to moor just before the turn, but both banks are lined with permanent moorings. One man was cutting steel plate with a power tool, which would have given us a nice quiet mooring. The turn is wide and easy giving a good view along the junction. A facilities point offers: water, rubbish and porta disposal. Just separated by a slipway is The Canal Union Junction Company, where you can buy a key for Nene locks.

We had been told that sixteen boats had already gone down to Northampton, panic in the boat, what had happened to the quiet Nene where many fear to lock. Actually the message had got garbled in the pipeline. Vandals had emptied Pound 16 on the night before and it had taken BW several hours to water down through all the locks.

We found an undisturbed piling mooring for the night opposite Gayton Marina. I played topless tennis with Anna Kornikova, the balls hitting the racket, crack, clump. I woke up, the crack, clump being the rain drumming on the boat roof. No early start then. Rolled over and tried to get back to sleep with Miss Kornikova. The rain eased. We set off in a gap in the weather at 7am, passed Gayton Marina on the left, a large marina with its own swing bridge controlling the entrance. Further along is the office/shop with pumpout and diesel. We had already obtained our Nene key at £4 for a small brass key, so we had no need to wait for the shop to open.

The canal is narrow from Gayton to the locks, with vegetation hedging both sides, so you need to take care. A private boat was moored on the bollards for lock No 1 of the Rothersthorpe Flight and we had to wedge our boat in the lock swim with the centre rope securing the boat. The lock was empty, and so was the pound, two hundred yards of mud. We spent 15 minutes letting water flow down into the pound after checking the paddles at the next lock, we then moved the boat into the lock. Two polite British Waterways men came and asked us to reverse the boat out of the lock. Vandals had emptied the big pound again and they needed to sort it out. Reversing the boat out of the lock, I thought that now was the time for one of those gongoozlers at locks who ask if you are going down. The answer would have been confusing. In the end it took us three hours before we could complete the lock.

The Rothersthorpe flight contains super locks, single, and fairly shallow. A couple have new gear and are a little stiff but in general they are a dream. Just beware of the tip of the two lower double gates, the beam work is a bit angular and you could catch your bow when going down. The bywashes from the locks come consistently from the left and you need to be careful at lock 6 that the bywash does not push you against the BW butties moored on the wharf.

We watched a hotel boat coming up the locks towards us. The crew went to open the ground paddles and the pressure of water forced a fountain of water up through the ventilation hole and drowned the lockwheeler and also shot water up the other ventilation hole drenching the second crew member. Brenda asked them to do it again for a photograph, but both declined. They lost the chance for stardom and you lost a chance to laugh at the photograph.

After Lock 11 life begins to deteriorate. Three concrete road bridges run overhead. The huge bridge tunnel carrying the M1 smells as if several East-End gangsters are loosely entombed in its supports. The vegetation encroaches on both sides of the cut and there is only a channel for one boat, two boats crossing can be difficult. Signs of the famous Northampton vandals had begun at lock 8 with graffiti beginning to appear, most done by a D A Lewis. Perhaps the Northampton police could prosecute as the name is repeatedly clear and appears, surprisingly, to be correctly spelt. Can there be many young D A Lewis’ in Northampton with silver paint sprayed fingers? If it helps further he has probably got spots.

After Lock 15 vandalism becomes endemic with a flood plain dotted with rusty abandoned burnt-out cars. Here too the borough council joins in the vandalism with eyesore buildings on both banks of the canal. No attempt appears to have been made to improve the area and it is one of the most depressing canal entries to a town we have had in two years of cruising. The guidebook says that the Carlsberg Brewery has won design awards. It would not win my conservation award as it is now stained and dirty, not the best advertisement in the world for the product. Perhaps Carlsberg would like to sponsor a clean up and renovation of the area – now that is a big idea.

We sailed through a gang of 15 swimming at Lock 17. No trouble apart from them asking lots of questions and the crew ‘choosing’ to hand out small gifts of chocolate. Perhaps Northampton has a history of young bandits having to be paid off before entry into the city.

We spent our first night on the River Nene by modern Council flats on first hitting central Northampton. The mooring is a bit ‘iffy’ in regards of security, at one time we had six boats moored but three decided not to chance the night. Further along the modern embankment were youths swimming, smoking, courting and one was busy hooking rubbish out of the river and then throwing it back in. Who said modern youth was useless? A hundred yards from the mooring there is a large Morrisons hyper store. An excellent facility for a heavy lift of supplies.

Northampton itself is a ten minute stroll uphill from the river. It is a lovely small town with masses of interesting buildings and a stonking Guildhall, together with good shops. Do try and pay the city a visit. We would have spent longer but we were concerned over the safety of our boat.

Now turn away your eyes whilst I address the Northampton Borough Council. ‘August Brethren, you have a super town, but you do not care about your river. The riverside passing through your town is derelict, run down and ignored. Dilapidated buildings need tearing down; good buildings from the entrance area of the Grand Union Canal to the old power station require restoration. The riverbank landscaped, buildings like the old power station converted, your town could become a jewel. Beckets Park by the river is a disgrace, overgrown and ignored. It could, at little cost and effort, be turned into a beautiful town walk with secure moorings for visitors. Funds are available, a SAE is attached for you to apply to the European Union. Act now. Other cities and towns have; look at Birmingham. It had less scope, more problems and a greater area to regenerate and they have produced wonders.’ Right, reader you can look back now.

The first river locks are standard locks but with metal gear totally alien to the normal canal users. Above the paddle gear appear metal rods similar to Grand Union indicator rods, but these are cylinders in which the rods raise and fall. There is therefore no immediate indication from a distance of the state of the paddles. The gear is easy to work, but requires 70-90 windlass turns to raise a paddle. Landing stages are small and angled, so mooring a long narrowboat can be tricky. Environmental Agency concrete awaits the casual helmsman at every turn. The top paddles are a mixture of ground and gate paddles, but with the windlass mechanism situated on the gate, you do not always know which you have until you open the paddle. The gate paddles produce a rush of water through unbaffled paddles, the ground paddles shoot water up towards the centre of the lock. Care needs to be taken.

The anti-vandal security lock is an Abloy silver padlock, either welded to the metal gates or kept on a chain, to prevent the vandals from stealing the anti-vandal lock. At some locks it is a silver Abloy cylinder lock entombed in steel. The key is a small brass alloy key, which can be fiddly to use. You did buy a key didn’t you?

The first guillotine lock is Weston Favell. The vertical gate replaces the bottom gates and is here controlled electronically. The lock is covered in padlocks and keyholes. I will not spoil your fun by telling you which lock gives access to the control board – have fun! Once found, the control panel is easy to operate, not frightening or dangerous. First you have to lower the guillotine lock, then open the paddles of the top gates. Once the water is level, open the gate(s) and bring the boat into the lock. Shut the gates and then press the relevant button on the guillotine gate, this will raise it a fraction and the water will begin to flow out of the lock. After two minutes you can fully open the guillotine. The guillotine should be left in the up position and locked. When leaving the lock watch out for the water dripping down your neck as you sail under the gate.

We sailed on to Cogenhoe for the night. Bankside moorings required spikes and a plank was needed to get ashore. The river is worth the effort. Clear and still, we watched dragonflies at a lock cavorting on green duckweed. We have now been moored for four hours and have seen only one other boat, no traffic noise, only birdsong and wood pigeons coughing.

The next day was a bad day for us. Just to show that canal life is not a perfect escape from all problems, today we broke the boat. The day started well but with rain threatening. Cogenhoe lock is manually operated, but did not cause problems and had been electrified by our return. The river here is as clear as my conscience and you can almost see the bottom before things get murky. The river meanders slowly without the rush of the River Thames. It is sensible on the river to tie the boat to the lock mooring, rather than to stay mid-stream but the lock swim is rather angular and sharp, and in order to get a long narrowboat around without hitting the concrete I have found it best to rest the boat nose on the bank and push out from the back, reversing into midstream prior to going forward into the lock.

At Whiston Lock, The Environment Agency were just fitting the motorised equipment to the guillotine which we did not get to test, but they did hand operate the guillotine for us. White Mills lock was manually operated with water rushing over the top gate. It is very attractive to watch the water passing over the lock gates. When the lock is nearly full it forms an arrowhead formation of white horses and makes a whooping noise as air escapes from the gate. Despite water flowing over the top gates we still needed to open both paddles and with two of us pushing we had trouble to get the gates open.

At Earls Barton Lock the heavens opened. We waited an age for the lock to fill and eventually had to open both paddles in order to get the top gate open. In our wet state, and unfamiliarity, we, I generously say we, left one of the top paddles open. When I lifted the guillotine a couple of turns the rushing of the water threw the boat across the lock with such force that the centre rope holding the boat pulled off the brass cleat protecting the paintwork. Two brass screws holding this cleat had been completely sheered off. It took a fellow boater to notice that a top paddle was up (as I have mentioned earlier, you cannot see the indicator from a distance). We survived at the cost of two brass screws and some embarrassment. It was a lesson to confirm that the paddles are down and to only open the guillotine a quarter to a half turn in the beginning.

Doddington Lock is another manual guillotine with permanent fitted windlass. We operated this fine, if a bit sheepishly. The locks were still taking time to fill. At Wollaston Lock the Environment Agency contractors were laying cement. One contractor asked to help. I explained that the water had to empty slowly, and this he did, but thinking that the lock was empty he suddenly turned the windlass several notches, the boat jammed on the chain in the wall and tilted alarmingly. Cupboards could be heard disgorging their contents. The boat righted and all was well. It was one of those days when you long for a semi-detached, neighbours and a lawn to mow. On our return this lock had also been electrified.

Speaking to the owner of the lock cottage (mooring at £2.50 a night) I discovered that I had been doing wrong by the guillotine. If having lowered the gate you do not lock it in place it rises a fraction and the lock takes a long time to fill. Turning the security key in the cylinder lock frees a spring bolt that allows the winch to be turned; the bolt has to be pushed back home to lock the guillotine. He also warned us against gypsies stealing from boats at the next two locks and a warning not to moor in Wellingborough because of vandals. We passed the 48 hrs mooring at Wellingborough, next to a well-maintained park on the outskirts of the town. Though the moorings looked fine we felt this was not the day to take risks and so we sailed on.

We passed on our left HM Young Offenders Institution looking very secure, surrounded by high walls and razor wire. On gaining Lower Wellingborough Lock though, we saw on the left a small lake surrounded by at least seven abandoned motor vehicles. We suspect that they are letting them out for driving lessons, or not locking enough up.

Ditchford Lock is the well-photographed radial gate, electrically controlled, thank goodness. An interesting design. It empties rather quickly and you need to be aware of the sudden drop of the boat. The top paddles are gate paddles and fierce, we will need to fill the lock slowly on our return. We navigated safely through Higham Lock, feeling confidence regained and almost speaking to each other. Then we reached the safe, comforting mooring of Irthlingborough, next to Rushton and Diamonds Football Club. I feel so relieved I am thinking of supporting them.

We rested for a day on the boat, catching up on writing and maintenance. A walk into Irthlingborough is recommended. The enormous tower of St Peter’s Church can be seen for miles along the journey downstream and its allure proved more demanding than sore feet. The church is a fascinating collection of buildings altered over a thousand years. The majority of the present church dates from around 1375. The massive tower had to be rebuilt in 1893 when it began to lean after alterations. The church is open to all, and well worth a visit.

Irthlingborough has many fascinating buildings, but has suffered from the granting of appalling planning applications with identikit houses (sorry, detached, 3 bedroom, executive) being dumped cheek by jowl in the most surprising locations. Irthlingborough Lock is a deep, manual guillotine lock and the guillotine has a warning to wind gently. This warning needs firmly to be adhered to, the handle needs only to be turned a quarter of a turn for the water to rush out.

The river continues in its pleasant, clear, wandering way. It becomes increasingly rural through Ringsland and Woodford, it’s so quiet here that even the cows are asleep. Yesterday we witnessed only
one boat on the move, and that was a hire boat which had come to moor late in the day before and blocked the water point/pumpout space, despite there being two hundred yards of empty bollarded moorings. Today we have not seen a boat on the move.

Prior to Woodford is a boatyard that advertises all services and is the first boatyard we have seen since Gayton. The entrance going downstream is difficult and the yard appears crowded with boats. There is mooring with spike and plank for a couple of boats near the Cock public house, advertised here to draw in thirsty and tired boaters.

To the excellent secure mooring at Islip. The problem is it is right next to the Nine Arch Bridge (I only hit seven!) spanning the river, and requiring a fifty-yard motor parallel with the bridge through about ten yards of gap to the moorings. The river stream pulls you onto the bridge and the prevailing winds push you onto it. Any touching of the bridge with your boat (trust me on this one) will take the paint off. The guidebook advises reversing the boat into the mooring; this is not easy. You need to turn in the river and come back through the ten-yard gap between bridge and bank extension. For anything larger than a 50ft boat, turning in the river is tight and the reverse difficult with everything forcing you to the bridge. If the water is high and the winds severe you are better advised to moor elsewhere. Your rewards, if you do moor, are safe mooring, water point and good pubs. With a long boat it may be better to go straight into the mooring and reverse out in the morning when you will be rested and hopefully the weather in the morning will be calm. That night we walked up to Islip village, this was quite disappointing, all the shops and the fun are across the bridge in Thrapston.

We left the mooring at seven o’clock, and with little wind we swept right, upstream, as with a left turn we would not have cleared the Nine Arch Bridge. Turned Mr David in the river. A permanent fisherman sits on the ideal turning spot, and so I went a little further on using a telegraph post as a marker. Even I managed to turn a 57ft boat in the river, but 60ft might be the maximum turn. Safely under the bridge, where the river spreads to a wide pool you could easily turn any length of boat in, but would have to reverse it under the narrow arch if you needed the mooring.

With bends immediately after Islip lock you meet a low, steel girder bridge. With an average flow the bridge should be no trouble now you are aware of it. Further down the river are 48 hour moorings provided by the Middle Nene Sailing Club – well done them. I see no point in trying to moor at Islip when excellent moorings are provided here, unless you are desperate for water or need the shops and excitement of Thrapston.

Prior to Titchmarsh lock there is a flat concrete topped bridge with a 2m clearance, the lowest so far met on the Nene. By Titchmarsh Lock there is the attractive home in the old mill of the Middle Nene Cruising Club. Private property signs prevented us from exploring and a surprising “No Hire Boats” sign affixed by the small marina. Are the members sure it is necessary, surely a hire boater who can manage the Nene is welcome, and any who cannot probably need help, rest and advice? But on our return we saw a sign saying ‘Visitors welcome – overnight mooring, water, telephone’. Thank you Middle Nene Cruising Club.

Titchmarsh Lock has been chosen by EA to trial solar power to provide electricity to the guillotine motor. Providing power to isolated locks on the Nene is a problem which could be solved by solar panels.

The river is quiet and quite beautiful, it continues to run lime jelly clear and the area is teeming with wildlife, flocks of real geese hide in the long grass, head and necks above, watching like sentries.

At Wadenhoe Lock the water rushing over the back gates was 11 inches deep. This is a deep, large lock and sitting on the rear of the boat, with the waterfall turbulently thrashing about below can be quite frightening. The safety chain in the lock is rather prominent and the boat needs to be kept from the side to prevent the boat catching and tipping. We found that putting down fenders was best.
We do think that for the Nene to be safe and enjoyed the Environment Agency should complete two major works:

1. The complete electrification of the guillotine locks. This is being urgently done against the wishes of some traditionalists and with the problem of providing electricity to isolated locks. We appreciate the sentiments of traditionalists, but the guillotines can be dangerous and it would be a disaster if the Bedford Link was completed and boaters shunned it because the Nene was considered too difficult and dangerous for the learner or too hard for the elderly. With electrification the guillotines will not work unless the top gates are firmly closed, this closes an electronic contact. It would be useful if this contact could be extended to include the top paddles thus preventing an accident if a paddle is left open and the guillotine opened.

2. Less water should be allowed to flow over the top gates, either by lowering weirs or increasing the lock gate height. The top gate paddles should have safety baffles fitted as BW now have as standard.

Through Lilford lock, past glorious scenery, churches, country houses and cottages all in light honey coloured stone. After Lilford Lock is a small island, not on any of the guides. From a hundred yards it is not obvious which channel to take, as there are no signs. Once close it is obvious that the left hand channel is the correct one, the right one being shallower and leading to Lilford Hall. To the gratifyingly electric Upper Barnwell Lock, with bars and restaurants in the old mill. Just below the lock free mooring is provided by the management. You have safe mooring in the grounds and a postcard setting to moor in.

Oundle is a 20 minute walk along the main road. An historic town, full of interesting shops, eye-catching buildings and for some reason lots of stunning girls. The road bridge by Upper Barnwell Lock is low and long, but should not cause you a problem. Past Oundle Marina where the entrance from the river is very narrow, with concrete walls shielded by motor tyres. Oundle Cruising Club welcomes boats and boaters and there is a water point just by the bridge. But more importantly, a bar with all boaters welcome Friday and Saturday nights and the weekend lunchtimes.

Lower Barnwell Lock is electric for which this early morning starter is most grateful. We now use the side of the lock where the guillotine mechanism is housed. Using this side allows the poor sod of a guillotine operator to control the bowline keeping the bow from wandering.

Aston Lock is manual and caused no problem. At Oundle there are two road bridges. The first is high, wide and concrete, the second an old angled stone bridge. To make the navigation arch of the road bridge easily you have to brush against the left hand bank. This prevents an awkward turn in the river in front of the bridge, remembering the paint you scraped off at Nine Arch Bridge. The river has now gone murky (just after we passed the sewage works). Instead of being as clear as my conscience it is now as murky as Brenda’s past. Cotters Lock and Perio Lock are manual, fixed windlass operated locks, both were no problem, now being wide awake with arms flexible and willing.
To Fotheringhay. A low stone bridge crossing in front, on the left with meadows rolling down highlighting the church of St Mary and All Saints which dominates the river. Fotheringhay is the birthplace of Richard III and the execution spot of Mary Queen of Scots. With ancient Scottish and Yorkist links you will not be surprised to hear that mooring is £1, or £2 overnight. The village is small, the old castle mound smaller and can be seen from downstream. The church is a delight, the village barns and houses historic and beautiful. No shops or tearooms, but a very posh pub which is well worth a visit. Say you came by river, rolling your hand theatrically, like the visitors of old. The moorings are quiet and undisturbed with the exception of the odd motorist blaring their horn when crossing the arched bridge. Have they no sense of adventure?

We left Fotheringhay in glorious sunshine at 7am. Under Fotheringhay Bridge and immediately past a boat meet of thirteen boats complete with party area and barbecue. No invite to Mr David, what an opportunity they missed. The £2 moorings stretch downstream for quite a distance. Complete solitude is therefore available downstream if you prefer to get away from the bridge.

Warmington Lock, not “on-Sea”, but enough water over the lock to excuse you for thinking so. A manual, pig of a lock to complete so early in the morning. You need your eyes peeled when approaching Elton Lock, the landing stage is on your left well before the lock. There is a walk across the fields to achieve lockside. I believe that a bus runs on high days and holidays. The ramble is caused by the construction of a new weir, which takes the water away from the lock gates. The new weir is much appreciated. I am told that the lock was very difficult prior to construction of this weir.

Elton Mill was boarded up and needs a good owner to sell ice cream, refreshments and sustenance to tired boaters. The lock is deep and manual, but devoid of water rushing over the gates, making it a peaceful lock to operate. Elton is a very pretty village and with what looks like a good pub, serving top-notch food. After Elton we begin to see signs of civilisation with the familiar canal sight of linear moorings, with owners jumping up and down when boats go past.

Yarwell Lock is adjacent to an enormous caravan site. Large ugly signs display, “Passing Boaters No Water, No Rubbish”. We completed the lock on tiptoe holding our breath in order not to break any rules. The lock goes well with the signs, having water over the top, and causes disgust and bad temper. The amount of water pouring over the gate is appalling and very worrying for the helmsman on the boat, with the severe turbulence rocking the boat and threatening to swamp the bilges. The adjacent weir has only a small sliver of water sliding over it. With the lock gates swamped it would have been safer to take the boat over the weir! (Joke, don’t try this at home!)

Further down stream is a small island, which caused a family argument. The river naturally runs both sides of the island. The channel arrow sign has been placed on the right bank pointing left, which, I think, means use the right channel, the crew disagree and say take the left channel. Unfortunately the crew are correct, argument lost. Why is the sign not on the left bank pointing directly at the correct channel? Another example of bad signing. I think the EA are trying to kill me!

Wansford Lock is electrified and a joy, the town “Wansford-in-England” sounded interesting and we intended to spend the night there but the overgrown, sloping bank was so disappointing we gave it a miss. We therefore went on past Stibbington Boatyard, busy and littered with boat construction, on to moorings requiring plank and spikes on the left bank by Wansford Station. Moorings here were gratefully received. Wansford Station is part of the Nene Valley Railway, which currently runs from Wansford to Peterborough, via Yarwell (backwards), operating steam engines pulling historic carriages. An overnight moor and a train ride to Peterborough is highly recommended but the ease of the journey might convert you from boating to railway restoration.

The Nene Valley Railway, in conjunction with the Environment Agency are hoping to construct visitor moorings by the station and at Yarwell, and hope to have a trip boat for a river journey between the two stations. This would make a combined river/rail experience for the tourists. Plans are also under way to build a railway station at Yarwell. You could then put the crew on the train to have them lock on to Peterborough!

Glorious mooring, not a sound during the night and just the chuff and hoot of the steam engines during Sunday. The river has been attempting to clear itself for some time. Now wide open river and flat landscape as we sail downstream with picture postcard scenes of mills and riverside properties. The A1 can be glimpsed in the distance, lorries hurtling along, another world, another time.

The first lock of the day, Water Newton, electric guillotine, six inches of water flowing over the top gates but no problem with operation. It is a good idea to moor up somewhere to make sure that the first lock of the day is electric; it prevents early morning strain on the joints and brain.
Now is the time to put all you have learnt about the Nene locks into use. Alwarton Lock is a manual lock, with an elderly windlass. Water thunders over the top gates cascading into the lock, boiling, frothing and creating great turbulence. Once you have cranked down the creaky gate, the water runs two inches over the closed guillotine. Merely getting the boat in the lock is challenging, let alone emptying the lock whilst keeping the boat stable. With a large amount of water rushing over the guillotine it is a labour of Hercules for one tubby middle-aged man to wind up the gate, no danger of turning this windlass too fast, danger everywhere else though. By gradually controlling the rate of windlass turn and thus the water loss, we lower the boat and when the lock is empty quickly open the guillotine fully to prevent the boat being in the lock turbulence for too long. I considered that there was 18 inches of water flowing over the top gates, Brenda claims to have measured it and it was only 11 inches, but then we never did agree on size.

Passing under the Nene Valley railway one cannot but help thinking that it’s a bit easier on the train. At Milton Ferry Bridge you need a moment here to make sure you correctly line up for the channel arch as the bridge sits at an angle in the river. On your left at Milton Park is an attractive memorial. Our spirits are also lifted with a sign saying “Welcome to Ferry Meadows”; moorings, picnic tables, that’s twice today Mr David has been welcomed. And past Thorpe Wood golf course where your boat can be an aim marker for drivers off one of the tees. Past the linear moorings of Peterborough Yacht Club, whilst there are few genuine yachts there is a warm welcome for visiting boaters, with space for them to moor. A nice touch. Well done PYC.

Orton lock, deep but electronically powered. It appears someone has hit the gate bowing it somewhat, it now struggles to rise, wheezing and muttering just like Mr David after Alwarton Lock. A superb tree-lined entrance to Peterborough was spoilt by four shopping trolleys and a floating, half deflated li-lo, less occupant. Excellent mooring on the Embankment with free pumpout. BW eat your heart out. 57 miles, 37 hard locks and we are here. Rest, relaxation and shopping for the crew. Hurrah.

I am sorry if any of the criticism in this chapter offends the boat lovers of the Nene. I can see why you love her, calm, serene and peaceful; wonderful landscapes and picture postcard views. Green jelly water running beneath your boat. But I believe like a lot of beautiful creatures she has her dangerous side, and in retaining manual fixed windlasses, controlling the water flow through locks instead of by weirs, the river is made be dangerous for inexperienced boaters. I think simple measures outlined in the article would not cost millions and would make the river safer and easy for all.
There are those who do not like tampering with items handed down from the past, but the river has always been adapted for use in the present. The guillotines were in themselves a modernisation in their time, why can they not be modernised for ours?

I spoke with keen, interested Environment Agency personnel on the telephone, their offices not being near the Nene, and learnt that they will complete the electrification in 2-3 years time. Eventually all guillotines will be electrified, or replaced with double pointed gates. They are currently conducting a Lock Standards Study, after which they will be in a position to decide on water levels passing over lock gates. It is easy to criticize Government agencies, but the people I spoke to were helpful, fun and obliging.

There are those who would not want the Nene disturbed by hoards of hire boaters, continual cruisers, or visiting boaters. I believe that the area is missing a great opportunity to become a superb tourist facility. Modernised, with locks made easy, the Nene could be another “Broads”, a glorious waterway bringing jobs, wealth and opportunity. Why not make this waterway more accessible to all; the old, the disabled and the inexperienced? Please.

ALL GAS AND GERIATRICS

ALL GAS AND GERIATRICS

We had a super stay at Bradford Upon Avon where we joined the Kennet and Avon Trust (Lots of great folk, a glossy magazine and all for only £17 per year). We stayed on for the Wharf Festival on Sunday 3rd September. There was plenty of room on the 24 hour moorings as only one person was building a boat and only one boat permanently moored there.
We took part in the boat parade, but lack of bunting and noone on the boat who could sing meant my superb steering was ignored by the three blind judges. The prizes and the crowd were scooped by Lucy Locket who had fold away bunting and a statuesque lady on the front singing the boat song. Tried to get Brenda to sing ‘For Mr David’s a Jolly Good Fellow’ but it seems that she was out of tune. I was presented with a bottle of Bucks Fizz for taking part, which allowed me to say I had won something. My apologies to the spectators whose legs I severed along the wharf wall. The National Health Service is a wonderful organization and it will soon have you up on your stumps.
We stayed overnight on the new moorings at Sells Green, great job done by British Waterways, ringed, wooden moorings with a new water point which has the fastest water flow we have seen. We had traveled down with Ed and Julia who boat on Wildflower, the flowers painted by Julia and paid for by Ed. If you get a chance do a few locks with Wildflower, Ed is very energetic and rushes everywhere swinging gates, rising paddles; he tires me out just watching him from my steering position. That evening we ate and drank at the Three Magpies, just eighty metres from the mooring. A little far for me but there is a local taxi firm. Good food, good ale and an audience for my old war stories.
The next day we were ready for the Caen Flight. You know that a day is going to be good when you first bend down to undo the mooring rope and on straightening you bang your head on the steering arm. We delayed the start of the flight so that Tom, Brenda’s, father could join us up the flight, something he has always wanted to do, but sensibly has delayed the trip until he is too old to wind a paddle. Having past bridge 149 we were in a twisty narrow part, when a Working Boat came through Bridge 148 and kept to the center of the cut. I steer into a tree watching the light glinting from shards of blue boat paint, I didn’t move over enough though, still got hit by the Butty. “Sorry” the gaffer said, “Its a bit shallow today”. Indeed it was. In fact every time I pass a working boat the cut is a bit shallow and I end up in the bank; it must be coincidence.
The paddles on the first six locks after Foxhangers are dreadfully stiff, some of the hardest around, therefore I felt obliged to put down the newspaper, get off the boat and help the ladies with the paddles. I hate helping it makes them feel useless and it's hard work. Ed would have normally done it but by this time he had locked ahead to Lock 30. We steadily locked our way up the flight, the crew dancing a ballet around the gates, not opening them quickly, just dancing a ballet. I came up with the cunning wheeze of breaching the boats together and driving them both up the locks. This had the advantage that it appeared I was working hard driving two boats, looking clever and able to charge Ed later for the diesel. The scheme was later sabotaged by a Lock Keeper who said we would get stuck in Lock 38, The Tom Ducy Lock, as it would only take one boat at a time through the gate opening. I took this opportunity to initiate him into my new scheme to bring the gas lights back to the Caen flight. Just picture the summer evenings with the gas lights flickering alongside the locks, or the winter evenings warmed by the golden glow.
“No chance!” he said “I have enough to do already without worrying about gas lamps”. Time will tell; vote now for the Mr David Gas Lights at the Caen Flight, listen to stories of how they will explode and require a safety scheme all their own.
Half way up the flight a lady came bustling up to the lock and asked if we were going up or down, as she wanted her boat to join the single boat a lock behind us. This is the second time in a lock that I have been asked if I am going up or down. Now as I know that most of you cannot steer a boat I will give you a hint here so that you don’t have to ask. The boat will normally being going the way it is pointing, that is, the sharp end at the front. Thus if it is pointing down hill it is going down, unless of course it is a member of the London to Bristol Backwards Boating Club.
I entertained a few gongoozers on the way up displaying my boat handling skills. An aged couple came over and asked if they could hire my boat for the day, it struck me that it is only geriatrics who talk to me on the boat. No young, handsome teenagers - just old folk. I saw a lovely girl the other day, all long poles and jutting fenders but she didn’t want to talk; it’s enough to turn you homosexual. But then I suppose I would be turned down by young men as well as young women!

PRISONER OF ELSEMERE BOAT MUSEUM

I shall now relate to you a story of muddle, uncertainty and false imprisonment As we sailed into the museum, the reception could be seen, a very smart smoked glass building on your right. Mooring may be possible outside, but there were no signs and the area in front of reception does not look inviting. Ahead there were two sets of locks, one wide and one narrow. Again, there was no indication for boaters as to which the museum prefers you to use. A boat was coming out of the wide locks and so we used those. The lock chamber had a large solid lump of weed floating on the water surface and 56lbs of weed and rubbish on the side of the lock. So, out with the boat hook and I lifted the rubbish to the side, then I helped the Mem with the gates as they were very stiff, heavy and difficult to move.
Down through the locks into the basin, a Holiday Inn was ahead, there was no mooring room on the right and one berth on the left amongst half a dozen moored boats. No signs anywhere to say where one may moor so we decided to grab the one remaining slot.

I washed my hands (Good Boy!) And put my feet up to read the paper. The Brenda wanted to go to the shops. Paper down and off we go, a turnstile allows you out of the mooring area to a row of shops fity yards away. There is a notice on the turnstile which says you can leave between 10am and 4pm but cannot get back in unless you obtain a token from one of the shops. So I have to buy something I suppose. Wonder if I can get away with a copy of Playboy. Hopes dashed. The turnstile is padlocked, the great edifice of opening times and turnstile tokens is all negated. Have people ever used the turnstile? Do the shops have tokens?
A lady at reception explains you have to pay £11 which allows you to moor and to visit the Museum. But I only want to moor. No its £11 and you can stay a week. Not bad , £1.57 a night, but I don’t like paying for moorings being a poor Army pensioner but I suppose £1.57 is okay. “How do we get to the shops?”
“Out the door turn right follow the path twenty minutes walk.”
“But I can see the shops from my boat. Can we get out of the turnstile?”
“No, the Council put in the turnstile and we know nothing of it.” This is good.
“Where is the pub please? I need a drink.”
“Out the door twenty minutes walk. We lock up at 5pm but there is a BW lock that will let you back in.” Hmm was it put there by the Council? If it does not work will I be able to get back in I wonder?
Better stay on the boat. “Not much to eat,” says the Mem. So I sit here a prisoner of the Ellesmere Boat museum; I can see the hotel bar but I cannot get there outside of a twenty minute walk. Whilst I was banging my head on an historic kerbing stone a nice man came over and took pity on me.
“You can moor over there by the shops and then you don’t have to pay, but its not very safe. I wouldn’t leave my boat there. Well not on Friday, Saturday or Sunday.”
“Brenda, what day is it?”
“Oh! come in and eat your gruel.”
The nice man did tell me that there was a door in the wall away to the left with a push button code, but the code was SECRET. After leaving the MOD, I had said no more secrets so I did not inquire.
How was the museum? It looked fun, lots of schoolchildren were running round and shouting, but I was reminded of the Men Behaving Badly biscuit joke; when the tin’s always full of biscuits what’s the fun in biscuits? I live on a boat and I’m old enough to be a museum piece do I really want to visit a boat museum?

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